I'd Rather Punch Myself Than Watch...

An inspiring speech, earth shattering news, touching human connections: these are all things that prompt us into saying something, making a change, rising from the ashes like a golden phoenix, wings spread and powerful...

Rising like a hobo Joaquin Phoenix from the ashes...

I prefer anger. Raj. Things that really rip my knitting. So guess what film has motivated me into blogging for the first time in a LONG time, nudging me from a comfortable nest of quiet ponderousness and online nonchalance...

Oh that's right.

Prometheus

Barren, soulless, desolate: much like Paisley high street.

Prometheus marks the much anticipated return of prestigious director, Ridley Scott, to the popular Alien franchise. Acting as a prequel to the hugely popular original Alien in 1979, Prometheus charts the journey of a team of explorers investigating the origins of life on other planets. Sounds simple enough. *smirks*

Boasting an impressive cast from Academy Award winner Charlize Theron,star of original Swedish Dragon Tattoo films, Noomi Rapace, to man of the moment, Michael Fassbender, and the main guy's hot brother from the OC (yes, I spent the first 20 mins of the film placing him...) the film holds a lot of promise for movie-fans and sci-fi fanatics alike.

"He's got the whoooolllleeee worrlllddd in his hands. He's got the whole.wide.worldddd in his hands."

That is until you venture to see it and find yourself repeatedly uttering the same question amidst smirks and discerning snorts...

"WHY?!"

Now, I'm no Luddite. I appreciate the concept of suspended belief when embarking on a film of this genre however too many questions remain unanswered and too many implausible plot flaws destroy any sense of "Hmm ok you've got me, they probably DO need to wear those space suits if there ain't no oxygen...until inside that unmarked space cave yonder..."

The fascination with life, creation and ultimate death are all fair topics on which to base a film/ theory but this is just hilarious. For example, the reasoning behind freezing geologists and scientists and sending them on a spaceship to an unknown planet to discover why man was created only to find out they weren't so much interested in creating life as much as death is dealt with in the first hour.  WHOOPS.

So what's left, you ask? WHY GORE OF COURSE. From there on in we resort to a classic slasher, which is FINE, if it had just said that on the tin in the first place. Locked out of the spacecraft,  body invading parasites, gore, blood, slime, ooooozing...all fine and good. Wouldn't be an Alien film without something bursting out of one person and into another *ahem*

Most. Anemic. Picture. EVER.

As for the limp relationship between the "stern" Miss Vickers (Theron) and her father *gasps* (apparently played by Guy Pearce, under mountains of wrinkly prosthetics) or the weakly portrayed "romance" between the two main scientists, who incidentally fell in love over a cave drawing in the Isle of Skye, well frankly these were neither well acted nor necessary to what should essentially be classed as a visually exciting and impressively gory space romp.

The saving grace of the film was almost definitely the performance by Fassbender as a soulless android, who acts as a metaphor for the entire question on existence, epitomized in potentially the only affecting scene in the film as he discusses his creation.

And the best WORST part? Undoubtedly the self-cesarean scene (funnier than it sounds).
Why would a female officer have a "self-operation" machine which only works on men. Sexist futurebots.

In short:
Nonsense.
Watch Flight of the Navigator instead.